Today is the beginning of the end… well I keep stating this over and over again. Each new phase of treatment I think this. I board the roller coaster of cancer every time I begin a treatment. What do I mean, well it all starts with the news that my cancer is not gone and we need to take more aggressive measures (3 times now). My emotions from Dr office till the end of treatment are as follows:
Sitting in the Dr. office before arrival of Dr. –Oh my gosh I have to poo. I think I need to poo. When I am nervous and stressed I have to take a poo.
Dr. Arrives –Oh no, no smile on Dr. Face. Hard news is coming.
Talking to Dr.-Oh it’s shrinking, that’s good. What’s the plan?
Leaving the Dr.-Oh it’s so good to see her/him. I really like them because…
Having food after the Dr. (my usual activity post visit)- Oh my gosh I am going to die. Cancer will never be gone. I want my life to start again so bad. Is this really happening?
Days after Dr. visit- Oh it’s not so bad, just start planning for next appointments: Who is coming, can I go alone, how long do I need to stay, etc.
Weeks into new treatment- Oh I am really fascinated by the science, but I hate everyone in my life that is continuing on like nothing is happening. Don’t they know how hard it is to just sit and be a cancer patient? I hate them all!
Months into new treatment- Oh I am so lucky. Lucky to have awesome care, lucky to have loving family and friends, lucky to be alive with a curable cancer. So get busy and enjoy life.
Day one of the end of the treatment- TODAY!- Oh my gosh! I am almost done with radiation. What a milestone. They say this is the end… but I don’t believe it. I hope it is, but I am not confident. I don’t want to be set up for disappointment.
The roller coaster ride is making me nauseous (cancer joke ha!). I have willed myself to learn to live with cancer and not live for being cured of cancer. This is the beginning of the end. I am leaving Friday with every expectation that I will be back for another treatment, but I will celebrate the end of the phase and getting off this ridiculous ride! Word.